Letter to the Past

A LETTER TO THE PAST

To Daniel,

Hello, I should not ask, “how are you” because I know that nothing could affect you, or at least that’s how you made it seem to be. If it wasn’t for the sake of writing a letter to someone in the past who affected me a lot, I would have never bring up your name.

Why would I write to you then? Well, you’re the first person who showed me how someone can be so unfeeling, guiltless and so good at lying. You had also broken my heart.

Maybe it was unfair to you as you had to carry the responsibility of helping me recover from the hurt left by the previous relationship. But you succeeded; you were like the closest to perfect man on earth during our blissful days. I was happy, free and loved. Never did I expect that the very hands that raised me up would turn out to be the ones to push me down, deeper than before.

Do you still remember the times we spent together? Maybe you don’t. Well, there were good and bad moments. There were some, where we felt eternal bliss and others where we seriously piss each other off. Our honeymoon part of the relationship was short, 11 days to be exact. On our 12th day together, you told me you felt restricted. You said we should meet once a week because you needed your own time and space and also, absence will make the heart fonder. What a load of crap.

You always told me to be honest, we should tell each other things no matter what. You hated to be lied to and you said you were true to our relationship. I managed to be honest, but did you?

You had no idea how much I cared for you. The sleepless nights I had when you were out clubbing. I could only be assured when I received your text messages, telling me you’re safely home. When I told you I worried for you every time you were out clubbing, you told me to trust and believe you. You said a relationship would not work if there is no trust. Fine, I managed to force myself to sleep every Saturday after that.

Things took a turn for the worst, we met only once a week, we don’t interact much over the phone, online and you hardly reply my text messages. I was getting used to it as time passed by. I know the time we spent together was kind of pathetic. But if that was the space you needed, I was more than willing to give you that.

Then came the Genting holiday trip that we had planned much earlier on. By this time, it seemed that we had already drifted a lot. You were keeping your distance away from me. I could tell that you have lost much of your feelings for me but I had not. I took our holiday at Genting as a chance to savage our relationship even though at the same time I had this vibe, which told me we were going to break up in one to two weeks after the trip.

During our stay there, I asked you if you were seeing the holiday as a chance to save our relationship. You said ‘no’. You said you only wanted to leave me with a beautiful memory after we break up. When I asked you if you had already plan when you were breaking up with me, you said probably one to two weeks after the Genting trip. Spot on. I hugged you real tight and cried real hard then. It was unbearable to know that someone dear was going to leave you and yet you could do nothing about it. Still, I only wanted you to be happy, and if it was to breakup with me, then I would willingly agree to it without making things difficult.

How ironic, the next day we returned from Genting, I found out you had been two-timing me. I called to ask you out to Mount Faber so we could talk it over. You thought I was crazy, you told me to say what I had to say over the phone. I did. Already pained by the betrayal, you then shouted at me, asking me what I would like to say next. I told you I’ve got nothing more to say to you and I hung up.

Two minutes later, I received a text message from you. “Let’s breakup” it read. The unavoidable happened, I became really depressed and cried like crazy. Do you know how it feels to really cry your heart out? You would feel so sour inside, you would keep asking yourself “why?” and you would be panting non-stop, out of breath, and have major difficulties in breathing.

I could not accept it. I did not give you all the space and time so you could date someone behind my back. And screw the part about how important it is for one to be honest and truthful. How could one make so many promises and fail to keep any of them? You know, I still have this message you sent me saved in my cell phone. It says something like “silly boy, you would never lose me unless you choose to dump me, save this message as proof.” What bullshit. This message is still in my phone because it serves as a reminder, a reminder for me not to fully trust a person ever again. And now, whenever someone says, “I love you”. I can never really believe that. You screwed up my mind, you bastard.

After the breakup, I still asked around to find out how you were doing, and surprisingly, your friends said that our breakup did not seem to affect you at all. You were still the same you, with no hint of sadness or guilt. You were heartless, as far as I’m concerned. I also found out that you were dating three people at the same time almost immediately after our separation. Way to go. And just recently, I found out you were dating another guy but it didn’t work out as well.

After almost two months, some of my hatred and anger towards you turn into pity. I pity you for you’re still getting round and round in circles. Always doing the same thing and always ending up in the same way. You couldn’t break out of it. And for that I feel sorry for you, but only to a tiny extent. Hey, I’m no saint. And for making me feel like the biggest loser in the world, I hope one day you’ll fall so hard that you might not even be able to get up. Until then, bye.